(and we barely understand that either)
A revolution has emerged in a society tragically burdened by depth, nuance, and the horrifying prospect of sustained thought.
No, it’s not meditation or mindfulness—those are for people who hate progress.
It’s Shorts: the bite-sized brain candy your inner goldfish never knew it desperately needed.
THE SCIENCE: YOUR BRAIN ON SPEED
Recent studies confirm the human attention span has shrunk to an impressive 7.8 seconds—coincidentally, the exact length of a clip where someone falls off a treadmill while screaming “LET’S GOOOO!” This isn’t a coincidence; it’s evolution in action.
Our brains finally adapt to the modern world by rejecting unnecessary cognitive burdens like “context” and “critical thinking.”
Why waste hours reading a dense history book when you can absorb the entirety of the Roman Empire’s fall in a 45-second clip set to a trending pop song?
Shorts have perfected the Art of information micro-dosing, training our brains to become ruthless data processors, identifying and discarding non-essential information (like facts, logic, and reason) in milliseconds.
This isn’t a loss of attention span; it’s a neural optimization, trimming the cognitive fat and leaving only the lean, meme-able truth.
THE TYRANNY OF LONG-FORM CONTENT
Have you ever tried watching a 30-minute video essay? Ew. That’s 29 minutes and 53 seconds too much of your precious, finite attention.
Why learn one thing deeply when you can learn 12 things badly in under a minute?
Remember boredom? That dreadful space between tasks where your mind might wander, reflect, or even—heavens forbid—create an original thought?
Shorts have heroically vanquished this enemy of productivity. Every spare moment, from waiting for the kettle to boil to the brief lull in a conversation, can now be filled with a delightful, algorithmically-curated content stream.
Life has become a seamless montage of satisfying life hacks, dance challenges, and sped-up crafting videos. There are no more gaps. There is only content.
ADDRESSING THE HATERS
Some elitists claim that Shorts are “eroding critical thinking” or “creating a generation of ADHD riddles.” To them, we say: Skill issue.
You’re not evolved if you can’t appreciate a man screaming over a Minecraft jumpscare while a subway surfers clip plays underneath.
Who has time for “critical thinking” when a guy is deep-frying a shoe in his backyard? That’s innovation.
THE GLORIOUS FUTURE: A WORLD WITHOUT THOUGHT
Let us celebrate this new era of focus. An age where the mind is no longer a serene, deep lake but a thrilling, high-speed waterslide of information.
We are sharper, quicker, and more engaged than ever before.
Who needs the burden of a long, sustained thought when you can have a thousand glorious, fleeting ones instead?
Attention is overrated. Introspection is violence. With Shorts, we’ve finally defeated thought itself. The future of human consciousness is vertical, fast, and magnificent.
If you’ll excuse us, we’re watching a snail do a backflip while Lo-Fi hip hop plays in reverse. For the 47th time.
This article was written in 6 minutes, 5 minutes longer than anyone will spend reading it.
Mission accomplished.
